I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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