We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
