Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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