Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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