im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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