I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Drunk is a universal language darling
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
