You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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