Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
