my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
