she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
it was like having sex with a tree stump
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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