If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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