My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
