I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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