My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
