just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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