i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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