last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
