if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
