So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
