My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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