my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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