i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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