I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
