Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
