so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
