My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
