everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
