If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
