there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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