So drunk its hurt
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
