my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
