Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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