Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
