Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
