p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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