don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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