I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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