I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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