hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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