Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I still have a little drunk in my system
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
