Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
