Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
