my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
