in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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