Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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