i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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