I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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