Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
