I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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