you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
